Everything that was once familiar has now changed.
I am at a phase in my life right now where I’m struggling with so much pain. It means that most of the time, I feel a deep sense of disconnection from the world around me and the people I share it with. The mere fact that I am writing this in the small hours of the morning, deafened by the ear-splitting silence of my room, unable to sleep, simply emphasizes this point to me even harder. Let me explain to you what it feels like to be told you are perfect in every way and will always be taken care of. Let me convey the emotions that rip through a young woman like myself when she is convinced she is someone’s forever.
I spent many hours every day drowning myself in a puddle of my own tears, sometimes they were silent and sometimes they were faint sobs, but mostly it consisted of me talking to myself and silently screaming or sobbing very loudly.
I remember talking to you on the phone until one of us fell asleep. I remember the first time I knew I was in love with you, the first time you sent my heart from my chest to my stomach. I remember being young and naive and planning our future wedding. You were the person I built my idea of love around.
I want you to know that I loved you. I loved you through every emotional part of the roller coaster you have brought into my life. I loved you on the days that you were pleasant and kind and also the days you were unrecognizable to me. I loved you through changing circumstance and the rapid movement of time. I even loved you when you decided that you didn’t love me anymore.
What hurts me the most is that even after you’ve hurt me so bad, my whole being still loves you while I sit here in the darkness, face hot with tears and disillusionment.